Grasping Liquid - Part Nineteen

No one stopped Badger from leaving the manor and that was probably a good thing. He didn't want to talk or be reasonable right now. Instead he wanted to fester in his anger at how Crow had used him to test the Black Ravens.

Maybe he shouldn't have been surprised. After all, hadn't that always been what their relationship was about? Badger had been an idiot to think that over the months he's lived in Crow's house that the two of them might have built up a more genuine bond or that Crow would ever truly learn to respect him as a human being. He'd wanted to believe that Crow had started to be more open towards him, like he promised that he'd try to be, but that had to all be a farce.

They were tools to Crow. All of the Black Ravens. Maybe he didn't mean it that way and he wanted to be their friend as well, but right now it felt to Badger as if they were being finished with and tossed aside so that Crow could move onto something new. The tools had been made into a machine that could work itself – they didn't need Crow to operate them any more. And they'd spent this week trying so hard to prove to Crow exactly that...

But in reality, that wasn't what was bothering Badger. Not really. No matter how Crow leaving came across to him or the others, it wasn't surprising at this point. They'd all known it was coming and Marilyn had worked on this massive plan of hers to prove to Crow that it was okay if he did leave. Even Badger knew that their leader would be stifling his potential if he remained here with them forever.

No, the worst part to Badger was how he himself had been lumped in with those who needed to prove themselves to Crow. Of course Badger hadn't talked to Crow about his own intentions of going with him, but deep down he'd hoped that Crow would know Badger wanted that. Or better yet, that Crow wanted him to go along in the first place. Badger had deluded himself into thinking that he was special to Crow.

And today he had learned that he wasn't. He was just the same as everyone else. Now that he thought about it, forgetting Badger would be the best thing for Crow to do. After all, Crow was well aware of Badger's feelings for him, so getting away from that would mean that Crow was free from the guilt of probably not being able to return the attraction... Also, it would mean that Badger could stay here with Crow's mum, meaning Crow wouldn't have to worry about keeping an eye on her. Badger would help support Maureen and in turn she would be the caring family-figure who had been missing from Badger's life since his own mam passed away. They would fill the voids in each other's heart and, as far as Crow was concerned, kill two birds with one stone.

Wouldn't that all just be peachy?

No, Badger wasn't having it. Not that he wanted to go away with Crow any more anyway. Nor did he want to blame any of this on Maureen, who had been nothing but kind to him. But he couldn't stay around Crow or his home any longer.

With that in mind, he made his way back to Crow's house. Maybe he didn't have a lot of belongings, but he'd pack what he did have and go somewhere else. Anywhere else. If they hadn't already sold on his dad's house then Badger could hide there for a while. Or at Louis's currently empty house for that matter. Heck, if nothing else worked out then Roddy had a spare room. Anything would be better than being in the lingering presence of Crow.

He marched through the front door and began to thunder his way up the stairs. However, he didn't get that far...

“Tom? Is that you?”

Badger froze for a moment. Then he turned slowly to be greeted by the worried face of Maureen, who'd just walked out of the living room.

“Oh, it's you, Badger,” she sighed. And after taking a moment to look at him properly she added, “...Is everything all right?”

There was a moment in which Badger considered saying that he was fine. However, this option was taken from him by the cracking in his voice when he opened his mouth. He quickly closed it again and shook his head violently.

“My poor dear! What has that horrible son of mine done to you now?” Maureen proclaimed.

She hurried up the stairs and put her arms around Badger. With gentle encouragement she led him back downstairs and through to the living room. At this point Badger was so worn by the day's events that he just let her walk him along, the two of them taking a seat together on the battered old sofa.

“...W-what makes you think it were Crow...?” Badger sniffed, once they were both seated.

“Only Thomas could make you feel this low. Trust me, I know,” tutted Maureen, “So go on then – tell me what it is this time.”

“It's... kind of more than a this time,” admitted Badger, “I'm sorreh Mrs. Carr, but I doun't think I can stay 'ere afteh this.”

He suddenly realised that he couldn't talk about the reason for his upset in too much detail without revealing that Crow was planning to leave Misthallery. And no matter how upset Badger was with him right now, it wouldn't be fair to drop him in it like that. Talking that subject through with his mother was down to Crow himself.

Though he quickly found of this didn't matter anyway, because Maureen was much sharper than either of them gave her credit for.

“This is about the two of you leaving, isn't it?” she checked.

“N-nah... Um, well... mebbe,” mumbled Badger, “Crow's the onleh one leavin' Mist'allereh, but I doun't think I can stay 'ere...”

“Don't be daft, you're welcome to stay here as long as you need, dear. I will not have you wandering the streets homeless,” scolded Maureen, “But it is a shame that you don't want to go with him. I know it's a big step, but getting out to see the world would be good for both of you.”

“It doun't matteh if it'd be good or not, 'cause 'e doun't want me to come,” Badger protested.

“He doesn't? Well that's not what I heard,” retorted Maureen.

“...Crow told you summit?” asked Badger. Then, realising how bad that sounded, he added, “N-not that I mean 'e neveh tells you stuff!”

“It's fine, poppet, I know what my son is like,” Maureen dismissed, “And no, he hasn't told me directly. I hope that he does before he disappears, because that would be nice. But I've been watching him plan for it, especially this week. In fact I even went out today to get some shopping ready for when it finally happens, since he'll never remember everything. But anyway, I could tell that he wanted you to go with him. In fact, I'd be more worried for him if you didn't. You're very good at keeping him grounded, so I'd think better if the two of you left together than if he left on his own.”

“I'm sorreh t' say this, Mrs. Carr, but I reckon yer wrong about that,” replied Badger, “Crow made it pretteh clear today that 'e doun't want anyone t' come with 'im... A-and I think th-that I'd just 'old 'im back if I did go.”

Maureen shook her head; “No, I'm right about this. I know that I am. But I can see you're worked up right now and maybe you'll look at all this better in the morning. So how about I make you a nice cuppa to warm you up inside and then you can go upstairs to get some rest.”

At this point Badger was too tired to argue, even if he didn't think Maureen was right about Crow on the matter. So he nodded mutely. Perhaps some tea would do him good. And he was kind of tired, now that he thought about it.

After the kettle was brewed, Maureen allows him to take the cup up to Crow's room. Badger only managed to drink half of it before putting it on the side and curling up in the small bed. He tucked his feet in close to his chest, which was about the only way that he could get around them poking out from the edge of the bed, even if it still wasn't the most comfortable. Then he lay there and listened, but up until he drifted off there was no sound of Crow returning.

By the time the next morning came and Badger awoke, he was still the only occupant in the room. It was possible that Crow had been back and merely left before Badger woke up, but given that Crow was the heavier sleeper between the two of them this was unlikely. So now Badger found himself hit with the worry that if Crow hadn't come home that night then where else could he have gone?

He wiped the sleep out of his eyes and grabbed the cup that held the now cold remains of his tea. With this in hand, he quickly made his way through to the kitchen to dump in the sink. Sure enough, Maureen was waiting there for him, but without any sign of Crow.

“I made you some toast, dear,” she greeted, “Now I know you're not a big eater, but I wanted you to have something warm for breakfast before you head out to face the world. What are your plans for today anyway?”

Badger had to think about that. After a moment, he reached a conclusion.

“I'm ganna... um, go speak t' someone,” he answered, keeping it vague, “Right now I'm still not sure what t' do, but there's someone I reckon I need to talk about it with eitheh way.”

“That sounds sensible,” Maureen agreed, “I just hope that you get the advice you need. And don't let Thomas pressure you, no matter what you choose.”

“Um, speakin' of T-thomas... did 'e come back last night?” checked Badger.

“No, I didn't see him,” Maureen replied, “Though don't worry about that, he often stays out, sometimes for days. That boy might have his head in the clouds most of the time, but he can look after himself well enough. I just wish he'd check in a bit more often...”

“If I see 'im I'll tell 'im to get 'is arse back 'ere,” promised Badger.

It didn't take him long to eat the toast after that. He wolfed it down much quicker than he probably should have, but right now he just wanted to be on his way without Maureen worrying about him. And Maureen's worrying had been exactly why he hadn't told her where he was going today.

Badger bid her farewell and headed out the door. Once he was in the open he made his way through the market and out across to the rope bridge. On the way he passed a few of the Black Ravens - Scraps was already rummaging through the rubbish from last night, while Marilyn and Gus gave Badger a wave from the fruit stall. Luckily none of them stopped him to talk about what happened yesterday, even though later he realised that he might have been able to find out where Crow had gone that way. But at the time he was too caught up with how bizarre it seemed that everything had so quickly gone back to normal with the others. They'd spent all of last week working out of routine to prove to Crow that they could do more than he expected of them and yet today you wouldn't have been able to tell that anything had changed at all. Maybe in some ways it hadn't.

Those thoughts kept him distracted as he went across the rope bridge and out of Misthallery itself. The next town over was a bit of a walk away, but the journey was one that most people who lived here were use to and Badger felt that having a quiet walk by himself might have been a good idea anyway.

Besides, going there was the only way that Badger could meet the person he needed to talk to right now.

Once he arrived, Badger knew the route to where he had to go, even if he hadn't done this walk without Crow before. A few months ago Badger wouldn't have been able to give someone directions there if they paid him, but after spending a few times trekking back and forth from it, Badger knew the way to the hospital.

Well... he'd been told by a doctor who'd used fancy words that it wasn't a hospital in the sense that he understood one to be. They helped people get better, but in a different way from if they'd broken a leg or something like that. But as far as Badger could tell, it was a hospital. And either way, the people there were taking good care of his dad.

The building wasn't too far away from the train station. And as much as Badger knew it was silly, he couldn't help but see that station as being the beginning of all the changes in his life. From that place Crow had gone to London and met Umid, then he had come back to drag them up to Northumberland on a failed rescue mission for Wren and Socket, before leading the ignorantly loyal Badger back to London and breaking his heart there... Part of Badger wanted to blame this train station for taking away what the Black Ravens once were, even though he knew that wasn't the truth of the matter. It had been Crow who'd chosen to leave. And even if he hadn't, that wouldn't change the fact that Wren, Socket and Louis were all no longer with them. Change was inevitable. As much as Badger didn't enjoy it.

He stopped thinking about the train station as he went through the hospital doors. The receptionist had seen him so many times that she didn't stop him to check who he was. The only oddity was probably that he was there on his own this time instead of with Crow.

It was a short walk through a few corridors to get to his dad's room and Badger knew the way. He trudged along on automatic, only stopping once he reached the door.

Badger took a deep breath. What he wanted to do today was daunting. Because even if talking to his dad was the right thing to do, he didn't know how the man would react. There was a good chance that he'd take this very badly.

Regardless, Badger reminded himself that he wasn't here for advice – he was here to inform. So even if it all went wrong, Badger could just leave. Maybe it would be terrible to go through life without his dad's blessing, but what would be worse would be doing this without telling him at all. Badger would not make that mistake again.

Though through some weird twist in fate, Badger's pause to find his breath had caused him to avoid walking in on someone who was already there. He heard a voice from inside the room. Perhaps one of the doctors was in there talking about treatment or something like that. Not wanting to interrupt such a conversation, Badger pressed against the wall to wait until the person left.

He couldn't help but listen in after that.

“...I know that ya 'ate me an' that I'm the last person ya wanna talk to...”

Oh.

Oh no.

No no no no nooooo.

Badger raised his hands to cover his mouth in sheer horror. It was Crow inside the room. Crow had gone to talk to his dad without him.

Why would he do that? And better yet, why would the staff here just let him in? Sure, Crow had always come along with Badger, but didn't anyone bother to check that he wasn't actually friends or family to his dad? Then again, they hadn't exactly checked with Badger at the entrance either. In fact, given that the two of them did always visited together, the staff might have just thought that Badger was running late for some reason and Crow had come ahead of him.

He wanted to stop this. To run in there right now and yell at Crow to go away. But he couldn't. For whatever reason Crow had wanted to come here to talk to Badger's dad. And while Badger felt he had a right to know why, he couldn't bring himself to stop this from happening.

So instead he just listened as best he could.

“...Badgah- ...that is, Simon wouldn't even be 'appy if 'e knew I was 'ere,” Crow went on. And Badger silently added that damn right he wasn't happy; “But I need to talk to ya. It's pretty important. F-for Simon's future.”

“And what do you get t' say about Si's future, eh?” his dad rumbled in reply. He sounded weak, as always, but Badger wanted to believe that he was doing better now than he had been before he'd come to the hospital at all.

Also, right now he completely agreed with his dad that Crow had no say over what was going to happen to him.

“Nothin' for sure,” confessed Crow, “I'm not gonna do anythin' without askin' 'im first. An' to tell the truth, I reckon that I've propah messed up any chances that I 'ad for these plans. But... I wanna ask 'im just in case. 'Cause I really want this an' I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I knew that I nevah even tried.”

The snort that Badger's dad gave carried out the door.

“Sounds like yer askin' fer permission to marry 'im!” he wheezed.

“No, nothin' like that!” Crow quickly assured. Badger didn't know whether he was relieved or disappointed to hear that.

“Good, 'cause you doun't 'ave my blessin's,” snapped his dad.

“I... might want those for somethin' else though,” Crow admitted, “Ya see, I'm gonna leave Mist'allery soon an' move away, even if it's not forevah. I wanna spread my wings an' see 'ow far I can get somewhere else. An' when I go, I want Badge' to come with me. Honestly, I don't think 'e'll wanna go any more an' we both know 'e'd be safer if 'e stayed 'ere, but I want 'im to come with me so badly. So I 'afta ask 'im. If 'e says yes – an' that's a big if – I know that it'll worry 'im leavin' ya 'ere on ya own. Th-that's why I came to ask that... if Badgah comes to ya an' says that 'e's leavin', please just let 'im go. Don't make 'im feel bad about it, 'cause that won't 'elp 'im.”

There's a very long pause after that. Badger's dad must have needed as much time to process all of this as Badger did himself. Tears began to stream down Badger's face and he couldn't even sniff them back for fear that he'd be heard by the two of them.

After what felt like an age, his father spoke up again. His voice seemed tired and forlorn. Badger had to lean in as close to the door as he could just to hear it.

“Yer right that I 'ate you,” he droned, “Honestly, most days I wish that Si 'ad neveh met you at all. You led 'im astray and cast some sorteh weird spell on 'im. If it comes to choosin' between me or you, then I doun't stand a chance. We both know that. The Simon today couldn't be more different from the one that came to Mist'allereh back when the factory were open. But even I can't deny that 'e's... strongeh now. That spell you cast on 'im 'as brought 'im outteh 'is shell. If yer leave 'im now then 'e'd only go back to 'ow 'e were before an' Simon knows that as well as I do. I know that 'e doun't want that eitheh. So if you asked 'im to go with yer, 'e'd jump at the chance and neveh look back. It's 'is onleh option.”

Badger's heart was racing. It was true. All of it.

“Not necessarily,” debated Crow, “Badg- ...Simon is strongah than ya think. I'll be honest with ya, Mistah Walker, I thought the same as you before this week. There was no doubt in my 'ead that 'e'd say yes when I asked. But then I saw just 'ow good 'e is without me... Simon spent all o' this week provin' that 'e can manage without my 'elp. An' I see now that I was wrong to think that 'e needs me. So maybe stayin' 'ere would be bettah for 'im aftah all...”

“But we both know that 'e'll say yes anyway,” Badger's dad pressed.

“I can't say that I do know that. But I would like 'im to come,” Crow insisted.

“...Then you win. I'll let 'im go,” sighed his dad, “I could neveh compete anyway, so I won't 'old 'im back. Just take good care of 'im or I will find yer and smash yer teeth in.”

“Thank you so much!” Crow gasped, “I promise that I won't let ya down!”

“Good, now push off. I'm alreadeh sick of lookin' at that mug of yours,” concluded Badger's dad, with a firm growl.

Badger knew that he didn't have much time to spare. Not sticking around to hear the final goodbyes between Crow and his father, he ducked away and down one of the other corridors. It wasn't one that Crow had to go through to get out, so he knew he'd be safe there. And sure enough, not even a minute after that he heard footsteps leave the room.

The sound of Crow's feet disappeared down the hall, but Badger waited a while longer. He counted to sixty in his head, both to be safe and to give himself time to think about everything that he'd just heard. Not that thinking about it would make any difference right now. Badger was still drowning in all the feelings he was having. Crow actually wanted him to go with him. And he had done even before this week.

With his nerves as calm as they were going to get, Badger stepped out from his hiding place and back down the corridor to his dad's room. He went inside, because he couldn't not do after coming all this way and hearing what he'd just heard.

In the room his dad lay on a bed, covered by a thin hospital sheet and staring off out of the window. He turned his head at the sound of Badger walking in and at first his sunken eyes widened in surprise. But then he just nodded. He knew that Badger had heard everything.

“I guess you've come to say goodbye then... Badger.”

“Dad...!”

Badger rushed over and hugged him for the first time in years. Even before his mam had died he'd all but given up showing affection to his dad. Right now he felt a weak arm being placed around his back and it was too much. He cried and he cried until he couldn't cry any longer.

***

It was early evening before Badger found Crow back in Misthallery. He was in the woods of all places, near where the path split off between going to the old shack and to the place where the scientist who researched the local fish did her research.

“There you are,” Badger called, “What're yer doin' skulkin' about 'ere then?”

Crow jumped, but seemed glad when he realised that the voiced belonged to Badger. He hurried over to where he was standing. From the leader's expression it was clear that he had a lot that he wanted to say. As much as Badger knew this was the case anyway.

“I was lookin' for ya,” he answered, “Sometimes ya come this way to keep an eye on things, but I guess ya 'aven't for a while... It was kinda a last resort.”

“Well, now yer found me,” Badger observed.

“Yeah, an' I wanna to apologise for yesterday,” started Crow.

“Nah, that's not it,” Badger corrected.

“Wot do ya mean?” Crow asked. He looked genuinely confused. Badger wouldn't mind seeing that expression from him more often.

“Look, you can say sorreh if yer want, but we both know you doun't regret it, not realleh. 'Cause when Crowlo gets an idea in that birdie 'ead of 'is, few things can convince 'im that it isn't a good one. Maybe I'm not thrilled about you exposin' the Black Raven to the world just to test us, but that's not why I were angry at yer,” clarified Badger, “...Or why yer wanted t' talk with me.”

Crow seemed taken aback by Badger's speculations, but he didn't deny them; “Ya know me too well, Badge'. Maybe there's a bit o' damage control to do, but I reckon that the Black Ravens will manage bettah with more eyes on 'em once I leave. The business is gonna do fine.”

“And we all know 'ow important yer business plan is,” agreed Badger.

“Don't put it like that! Ya make me sound single-minded an' 'arsh,” Crow protested.

“That's 'cause you are single-minded and 'arsh,” debated Badger, “Now do yer 'ave owt else to say or are you just ganna 'ead 'ome to pack yer suitcase?”

“Badgah...” Crow whined.

“Yeah?” hummed Badger. It wasn't easy, but he knew that he couldn't give Crow an inch.

“This ain't 'ow I wanted to do this...” sighed Crow.

“Do summit outside of the plan fer a change,” Badger retorted.

“All right, but ya ain't gonna like this...” Crow replied, admitting defeat. “Badgah, I'm leavin' Mist'allery. I dunno when exactly, but probably sometime soon. An' chances are that I'll go back to London again, just until I get somethin' else sorted. 'Cause if I stay 'ere forevah then... well, it'll probably be okay, but it'll nevah be the best I can do. The black market is an amazin' thing that works thanks to all o' ya, not just me. There's always ways we can change it up a bit, as Marilyn an' Arianna 'ave both shown us these past few months. But changin' it up just isn't the same as makin' somethin' new. I love the Black Ravens, more than anythin', but I need to challenge myself.”

“I know,” assured Badger, “And I'm not ganna stop yer from doin' it.”

“But that's just it... I don't wanna do this alone,” Crow continued.

This was it. Badger felt his heart beat faster. There was no going back now. But even so, he just had to egg Crow on. He needed to get more out of it.

“Well, I'm sure that Rod will follow yer to the ends of the earth,” he answered. And then he instantly felt bad for using Roddy as a scapegoat, since that probably wasn't too far from the truth.

“I didn't mean Roddy!” protested Crow, “Well... I know that 'e'd come if 'e could, but I'd nevah ask 'im to leave 'is mum without anyone to look aftah 'er. B-but anyway, I meant you, Badge'. I want ya to come with me when I go away. If ya will, that is...”

Badger pretended to think about it. Which was a difficult feat to pull off, because in truth there was only ever going to be one answer. He wanted to jump into Crow's arms and yell that he would go with him anywhere he wanted to go and never leave him. But Crow didn't deserve that.

“Hmm... that's not summit I can find an' answeh to just like that,” he lied, “I'm content 'ere in Mist'allereh and we both know that I can manage just fine if yer did go. Mal did a great job runnin' the place and I know where I stand with 'er. But with you I neveh feel like yer givin' me the full story. You and Marilyn are both puppet-mastehs, but she's niceh about it than you...”

“Come on, Badge'!” pressed Crow, “Ya'd get bored stiff if ya stay 'ere workin' for Mal! She'd 'ave ya fixin' trinkets all day an' I know you don't like that. Come with me an' I promise that ya nevah gonna get bored again!”

“It almost sounds like yer askin' me to run away with yer,” Badger mused.

For a moment he thought he saw a bit of colour reach Crow's cheeks. But he must have been imagining it. The mighty leader of the Black Ravens didn't blush.

“That 'cause I kinda am...” he mumbled.

“I guess I could think about it, but on one condition,” stated Badger.

“Wot's that?” Crow asked.

“...That if we do gan t' London, or anywhere else fer that matteh, that ya come back t' visit yer mam sometimes. I know she respects that yer a free spirit or whateveh yer want t' call it, but she worries about yer a lot,” Badger inisisted.

Crow nodded. He was smiling a weak and trembling smile. It looked strange on him. Today Badger had seen a few expressions that he wasn't use to seeing from Crow.

“So ya gonna come with me?” he checked.

Badger shrugged; “Yeah, sure. Why not? Someone needs to make sure you don't drift off into space, Crowlo.”

“Th-thanks so much, Badge'...” Crow replied, “Ya 'ave no idea 'ow glad I am to 'ear ya say that!”

Badger laughed a strange laugh. Honestly, Crow was the one who had no idea how happy he was to agree to this. As well as terrified. He was so very scared of what might lie in wait just outside of their safe little home. But he was going to face it and he'd be all right, because Crow and him were going together. Because Crow wanted him there with him. He'd asked Badger to come and even asked permission from Badger's dad. That had to mean something, didn't it?

They were going to take this next step together. And right now that was all that mattered to Badger.